Did I Screw Up My Baby?

"You're holding him too much."

"You're spoiling him."

"He's manipulating you."

I heard it all when my son was a baby. He was a "velcro baby." He wanted to be held by me constantly. I was, apparently, "giving in" by responding to his needs.

"Let him cry," people told me. "You're creating a rod for your back."

As a new inexperienced mom, I began to doubt my parenting abilities. What if they were right? What if I was creating a spoiled child? Was he too dependent on me? There are no redos if I screw this up!

My confidence was further shot at our 4-month doctor's appointment. The doctor told me I was creating "bad habits" by nursing my son to sleep. But...but... boobs worked like a charm! He was out like a light in no time.

No, he said. No boobs. Try rocking him to sleep. I should also put him down when he was "drowsy, but awake." That way he could learn to "self-settle." "Mhm," I said out loud. "That ain't no way in hell that's going to work," I thought in my head.

My current bedtime routine involved nursing to sleep, very slowly transferring him to his bassinet like I was holding a ticking timebomb, and tiptoeing away praying to that he wouldn't wake up in five minutes.

"How often does he wake at night?" the doctor asked. "Like a dozen?" I answered. "He's just doing that for attention. He's not hungry. Try ignoring him and he will go back to sleep," he told me.

There's no way I could ignore that ear-piercing scream.

I didn't dare tell the doctor that I sometimes put him in our bed.

Look. I knew you weren't supposed to. Nurses at the hospital said it was dangerous. But I was so exhausted and struggled to stay awake during night feedings. I figured that it was safer to risk falling asleep on the bed together than on a couch feeding him. Right?

Well. You know what happens next. My son decided that he much preferred to sleep in our bed than his bassinet. So much so that he started to refuse to sleep in the bassinet at all. Why sleep alone when he could be next to mom?

"Oh no," I thought. "Have I screwed up another thing?"

But man, it felt so good. We were both finally getting some sleep! I couldn't believe that he was sleeping in four to five-hour stretches. I didn't even have to get up to breastfeed! Heck, I could breastfeed in my sleep. So, so easy.

I felt sane again.

Still, I felt that I was doing something wrong. Why? Why is it wrong that my son likes to sleep curled up next to his mother? Why is it wrong that he wants to drift off to the sound of my heartbeat?

It's not. 

Now that I have a toddler, I'm more confident in my parenting abilities. There's nothing wrong with my kid or my parenting. There is something wrong, however, in our cultural norms and expectations.

American society wants babies to pop out of the womb independent and self-sufficient. Unfortunately, biology doesn't work that way. Baby humans are helpless and needy little things.

I decided to start a parenting blog to connect with like-minded parents and encourage moms to follow their instincts. No one knows your baby better than you do. No one.

(How to bedshare safely.)